28.4.16

Struggling.





STRUGGLING.




It's been a while since I've done a rambling post, for my corner of the internet I'm sure terrible at sharing some of my emotions and troubles, which I guess  isn't a problem when I'm enjoying writing about beauty products but I've never catergoried my blog as beauty only. I've always wanted to write about the things I've done, the things I enjoy and simple vent. 
So I'm taking that plunge, today might get really deep really fast. Firstly I feel I should apologise. Secondly, I hope this makes you feel comfortable enough to read through and relate to.
 
My heart beats really fast sometimes and my chest gets really tight, and all I want to do is lie in bed and watch Disney films until the pain goes away. Fortunately I managed to get out of bed and continue with my day to day plans, (and that's something I appreciate I can do) but some times I'd love nothing more than to call in sick from work and so FA for the day. 
I've never really been 'diagonised' with anxiety, but I guess you don't have to be to know your own emotions. I've always struggled with my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I'm a shy person and I have no self-belief. It drives everyone around me crazy and but it's never talked about as though it bothers me. It does, it really does. It's the biggest struggle, my everyday struggle and it's bloody frustrating. 
Today I'm home alone before heading to an evening shift at work, usually I'm really happy with these days. I'll wake up at 9am and blog until I HAVE to get ready and today; I barely had a full hours sleep, I've been having back troubles, I'm struggling to breathe because my chest feels tight and my head is in a million other places and is constantly pounding. With everyone at work, I've almost been dealing with this alone, I've cried a few more times than I should admit too.  
I feel worthless, I feel like I'm constantly letting everyone down; including myself. 
People want me to make a change to everything going on in my life, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what everyone wants to hear; I don't even know what I want to hear. I still want to curl up under the covers and hide from the world a little more. I want to feel comfortable to make my changes and I don't want to feel worthless or less equivalent because of that...I'm not even sure where these feelings are going anymore, all I know is there's many pressures, issues and emotions flying around my life and I can make changes to those and I don't want to feel this pain anymore. 
I wanted to write a post like this to take away that pressure, as though pressing publish would instantly take away the pain but let's be honest that wouldn't of happened. I'm still struggling the same way I was before; I've just put it out their for hundreds to read. I almost feel safe knowing that I have people that can relate, you might be that friends from the internet; the person who constantly sends me love through my blog posts but you might just understand me and that gives me great comfort. So thanks to the people who make me feel comforted, make me smile and keep me going through my corner of the internet. 
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