6.8.17

Life Lately: May, June & July 2017.

LIFE LATELY: MAY, JUNE & JULY 2017. 

It's been a long time since I've caught you up on my life. I've been blogging here and there since May and been giving you a glimpse of the highs and lows, but I feel like it's finally time to sit down and explain what I've been going through since then. 

So grab a cuppa, we could be here for a while. 

SHE BELIEVED SHE COULD SO SHE DID. 

Admittedly this quote above is such a cliche. But I've got this quote in my room as a daily reminder to carry on with my life; to remember the good things and that I'll be stronger one day. Realistically May was a very average month, I began driving lessons, I agreed to move out with friends and everything was changing for me. I felt like a stronger person and generally excited for what was going to happen throughout this year. I started focusing on my relationships and working harder on things being better for me, stupidly I was happy but now I feel like I was a little naive. 


I've been planning to write this post for some time and it definitely feels like a Dear Diary; moment. I've never known the limit when it comes to sharing personal things online, this blog is my space on the internet and almost is my diary but with a strong readership comes the worry of how this kind of post can get around. I'll be talking about situations and people involved but I'm constantly watching my back, so please be mindful that I'm trying to stay as diplomatic as possible.

I don't want to forget all the amazing things I've achieved in the last couple weeks but it's hard to not look back and relate May as being the last month I felt happy, which realistically is blinded by one particular event which has almost drastically changed my life. At the beginning of June my five year relationship ended and I can't quite remember anything but those last few weeks with my ex. Supporting him through choices and challenges and our few and far days together, unfortunately I'm also reminded of the days and events which we were meant to experience, yet never did & I can't quite get past the idea that those things aren't going to happen again and still constantly wondering what went wrong.

Before I began writing this I wanted to write every detail of my breakup; as a way of me processing whats happened but now I'm in the thick of this post, I just can't bring myself to it. There's reasons from both sides that this relationship ended and in the long run we'll both be happier - I think. Whilst I'm still devastated with whats happened and still find myself stuck in low moments I can't help but feel that I'm also repressing my thoughts. We've not spoken since the break up and it takes so much energy not to get in contact with him and I'm doing my best to get on with my life. Somehow I know it'll be fine if I call in sick one day because I'm not coping but I almost feel weak if I do, when people check up on me, my immediate answer is 'fine'. And the reason why? Because I'm sick of sounding like a broken record, how many times will friends want to hear how heartbroken I am? This is going to take a while before I even begin to feel anything like I did before, I'm a little broken right now...but hopefully it's okay? 


Unfortunately I think my heartbreak has shadowed the good things I've achieved and I'm angry about that. I mean thanks to my ex and his business I've found my career path and since have been working towards it by applying for appropriate jobs since then. As I'm yet to find a new job I find this to be quite low on my achievements list but it's an achievement worth mentioning non-the-less. 

Job applications were my worst nightmare at some stage in my life but right now I feel comforted by the idea that my world could be changing for the better with these applications. Confidence is still pretty low and my anxiety goes crazy at the thought of starting somewhere new but I'm finally willing to take that step and I'm proud of myself for that. 

I mentioned in my APRIL post about how I'd started driving lessons and even though from time to time I want to give up, it's something I'm doing for myself and I can't wait till I actually understand how to drive. I'm constantly stalling the car, I keep forgetting to check my mirrors and lets not mention how many times I forget how to simply start the car. It's definitely going to take a couple more months until I'm ready to consider my test but I can't wait to complete this challenge that I've held back from. I guess I should probs thank my mom for pushing me into it...I don't think she'd ever see the day when I thanked her for this! 


I moved out in July. Which I know for definite you were aware of, it's been a learning experience and honestly - not a bad word to say about it all. Moving day was a little stressful I think my nerves and excitement led to a weird anxiety, thankfully I had the help and support from my best friends. On the Sunday morning Sam picked us up McDonald's breakfast in preparation for the day, we stuffed everything from my bedroom into two cars and that was the last trip to my family home (for that day at least). My dad built my bed frame, Si & Bob built my wardrobe whilst me and Sam cleaned and unpacked. It was a much easier day than I imagined it being and my stress out was totally unnecessary. And the first month living with Laura, Richard & Myles has been fab, evening movie nights, fashion and boy advice (from the boys) and becoming a more independent person has been amazing. Personally this came about at the best time for me; my relationship had ended and I was starting to feel trapped in my bedroom that was filled with those memories. Moving out was already on my agenda for July, whilst I'm gutted I'm not sharing it with him, I'm so proud of myself for kicking butt with it and proving to everyone that I'm capable of it. 

At this point it's 100% worth mentioning how much I love my friendship group; this group in particular. Sam, Laura, their partners and Richard. I actually don't think I'd be feeling as strong as I am without them all. I feel comforted in knowing I can turn round to any of them and explain how I'm feeling & know they've got my back. Going to work and knowing I have someone to talk to or coming home and being able to chat about everything is so comforting. And of course these aren't my only friends I need to thank for the last couple months; my best friend Charlotte took me on a spa day after my break up and has been my rock from day one - unfortunately she lives in Scotland & I'm in Birmingham so distance and work commitments makes it a little difficult to chat everyday but I know she's there for me and I love her unconditionally for that. Oh and let's not forget my dance family. I've cried a lot whilst writing this post - it's taken weeks to complete it, but remembering how many friends (and how great these friends are) can easily turn me into an emotional wreck. 


Let's just say the last few months have been the shittest months I've experienced, I've lost someone who meant a hell of a lot to me and it's horrible how suddenly a person can leave your life and how it doesn't sound like it should be a major adjustment but not being able to send more texts to someone or not having that person you love being there when you're angry or stressed or struggling. The amount of times I've wanted to message him when something's upset me and I fucking hate it. 

But I also remember how many other amazing friends and family I have in my life and how my new experiences will make me a better and stronger person in the future. I'm 24 and finally living on my own and fending for myself, I'm focusing on me for the first time in years and I have the best best people by my side. Let's just say; I'm now excited for this new challenge. 

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