13.8.18

BEING SINGLE DOESN'T MEAN I'M LONELY.



*these photos are from January - just imagine they're recent* 

Well, this is nerve-wrecking. 

Really nerve-wrecking, how the fuck do I do this again? 

Woah, so after a little time away from writing and my work hours making it almost impossible to create any content, I have a cuppa in hand and a bar of chocolate to keep me going - finally.

I made some massive alterations to my life last year and one of those things was becoming single - have this post for reference. I'll be honest, it's been an emotional roller coaster ride but one year and 2 months down the line I can honestly tell you I'm so much happier than I have been in the last couple of years and I guess I just wanted to celebrate that a little.

Going through heartbreak is something we will all experience in our lifetime and if you don't - I envy you. I've been chatting with a number of people lately about how my breakup has shaped me into this 'strong independent woman' (can you feel those finger clicks too?) and it overall it got me thinking about who I've become, how my heart has healed and how I'm moving on. 


Something I knew I wouldn't be in a rush for was to find the next relationship and truth be told, I'm still not looking to rush into it. And that's not because I'm still hung up on my last relationship, I know what I deserve now and personally I'm not giving myself anything less than that. I've become my own person after sharing myself with someone else for five years, I've taken steps in life that I wasn't willing to take before, I do things on my own and I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. 

It's quite possible I've found this out about myself after I moved out of my parents house last year, I stood on my own two feet for the first time ever, it was an eye opener and whilst it didn't work out, it 100% something I needed to experience. There would be a point when I wouldn't leave the house unless I was meeting someone at my destination or someone had to be with me and now I'm heading to the shops, going to the cinema alone and I've even travelled the lengths of the UK on my own - who is this woman and what has she done with Sarah?! 

When you suffer with anxiety you've got to celebrate those small victories, you've got to acknowledge what you've achieved no matter how small and I believe for me, this is that. I need to celebrate doing even the smallest of tasks because two years ago I needed a partner or a friend by my side and now I enjoy my own company more and more, those demons in my head aren't haunting me so much, I'm crying less and less and generally can handle being alone for 6 hours without going stir crazy - sometimes I'll admit it's a little boring but self-care and self-love involves taking those days for yourself and I bloody love them. 


After conversations with friends about these small victories, not wanting a relationship just yet and simply becoming this independent lady, it got me thinking about how I used to believe if you were single you'd automatically be lonely and if someone doesn't love you romantically, what is the point? And while that's a really damaging perspective to have, I'm glad I've been able to prove myself wrong and that I've been able to come to this conclusion. 

And I really want to kick myself for having this mentality because realistically you could be on your own or a room filled with people and still feel lonely but the truth is - I've never felt less lonely. I have some of the best friends and support systems, the best I've had in a long time. I've been able to cut away from the people that dragged me down and I'm constantly surrounded by people who lift me up, I laugh on a daily basis, I never spend a day on my own (if I don't want t) and I couldn't be more grateful for that. 


When I was 16 there was nothing I wanted more than to experience romantic love and I was lucky to feel it for five years and who knows when I'll experience it again - but because I don't feel that right now doesn't mean I'm lonely, I love single life more than I thought I would, I have so much free reign to see my friends, I actually enjoy dating (even with some of my tragic stories) and if you haven't gather from the amount of times I've said it; I'm really bloody happy. 

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