Experiencing a first crush after a break up.



It wasn't until I realised I had a crush on a guy that I'd truly remembered what it really felt like to be single. It was this peculiar sensation of forgetting these experiences and feeling like no time had past at all.

I feel like this needs a little back-story BUT I also feel like it's quite self-explanatory. I was with my ex for five years, we started dating when I was 18 and the relationship ended at 24. And with the relationship ending I'd had this feeling that wiped away those five years. As those all my memories {with & without him} no longer existed and it was time to re-discover myself again

SO, When my relationship ended, it took me a couple of weeks to remind myself that I was now a 24 years old girl, I had *little* dating experience under my belt and that I was now an adult, however I couldn't help but feel as lost as I did when I was 17 and going through these feelings. It's safe to say I've been a late bloomer with kissing, dating and relationships, boy's didn't show much interest until I was in 18 and in college I was suddenly experiencing it all at once, I was talking to cute boys, I was getting attention and I was kissing the boy I had a huge crush on in the living room at a house party, oh memories. Couple months down the line; I'd cried over more fuck-boys than I'd like to admit and was suddenly settling down in a relationship with a guy I was lucky to be with for five years. When this relationship ended, it was like the 24 year old had returned to that young naive girl. How did I get attention from boys? How do I flirt? I even questioned if I knew how to kiss anymore. Obviously my head was a tangled web of questions, heartbreak and everything in between but we've only got time to talk about dating right now (lol)...

If you've read my recent dating post; you'll have seen my thoughts when first using tinder (here)

And let me tell you it's been quite the experience, learning new chat up lines, figuring out that flirting means sending 'gif's' and actually arranging a date to two. Trying to come across cute yet quirky and figuring out which guys are sarcastic pricks and those that are genuine. Deciding whether I'm a strong independent woman who can initiate conversations and dates or if I want to be swept off my feet from the boys...the dating world has definitely changed. But you know what I do like? The freedom to flirt, oh my life I forgot what it was like to have some cheeky flanter. 

If I'm being totally honest, it took me some time to feel completely comfortable with talking to new guys. It took me a couple months to decide whether I was ready or not - I definitely jumped into situations before I was ready but have since decided to just go with the flow. But it wasn't until one guy where I felt that feeling of a 'crush' and oh my life, I honestly don't know what to do with myself. That awkward giggling, the playing with your hair, the gentle touch on their arm and showing a person you're interested whilst also playing hard to get. It's all so exciting but so.damn.frustrating.

Having someone you have a crush on show similar interest can do wonders for your self-esteem. I walked with a little extra sass in my step and generally felt happier, I made a little more effort with my appearance and was instantly reminded that people will find me attractive. Because after a five year relationship; I'd forgotten that people might actually feel this way about me. I'd forgotten that someone other than my ex could find me attractive. I'd forgotten I now had this freedom to enjoy and act upon my feelings.

I wanted to go into a little more detail about this crush and how it was making me feel but since writing this post; he's gone off the radar, I'm talking to someone new and I'm generally just very confused with what's happening with my own love life, but fear not...I'd finally written a blog post so I didn't want to delete this. I've come to the conclusion that obviously I need to go at my own pace; do things when I'm ready and know when I need to take a step back. 

My last relationship will always have a huge effect on my life; and even with him no longer in my life I've learnt so much from him and everything we went through. I'm not quite ready to let that go (it's only been five months after all) but I am ready to work on things for myself. I'm ready to be single for a little while, taking myself out for the date - I watched Paddington 2 at the cinema alone last week, yet I'm ready to chat with people and to accept a date or two. One thing I'm thankful for is over the last couple weeks I've cried less about any boys. My ex, this crush and fuck boys, I'm in a much stronger headspace where I know I'm not ready for another relationship and knowing that I'm out having fun, meeting guys and having a cheeky make out sesh is nothing more than harmless fun. 

I'm quite excited to keep you in the loop with how I'm finding the single life, but ps. if you have any advice, I'll be grateful for you to send it this way.

*Images included in this post include images for Jewellery Box. You can find all the piercing jewellery, here.*

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