Well, it's certainly been an interesting year. It's been a year of dating, tinder chats and more dick pics than I'd like to ever see and after a couple of 'questionable' events lately, I've been really debating whether I have a place in the dating world, whether it's something I'm enjoying and why I'm finding it difficult, so what better way to express my feelings than to write about them.

You need a little back story first, so lets start at the beginning...until 2017 I'd only ever dated one person and after only two dates we officially became an item and we were together for five years, so imagine - I was 24, recently out of a relationship, hadn't had that connection with many of the male species, I was fucking terrified. My head was filled with questions, worries and I was generally concerned as to whether I was ready for this or not - something that's stuck with me was a year before my relationship ended I told my now ex-boyfriend how if our relationship was ever to end, I was done, done with dating, done with love and would be comfortable with knowing I'd loved one person - I honestly think this was down to being so in love with the boy, he was my best friend and someone I thought I'd need in my life forever and personally I think this statement is the reason I struggled so much at the beginning. I felt like I'd given up before even starting and wanted to believe that it was possible to love only one person in our lifetime - oh how naive I was. With this thought process already in my mind, I also played the comparison game for quite a while and that was damaging.

And even with all my doubts, I downloaded TINDER anyway - and oh my life, it was so liberating to give myself that confidence again, I forgot how naturally flirting comes to me and I just felt this excitement to get back in the game. 

Granted it took me a while to go on my first date and I remember how nervous I was, so nervous we headed to the pub and I may have gotten wasted (I know bad move). I've been on numerous since,  and whilst I've not found the love of my life (yet), I've made friendships with most and awkwardly avoided the rest- lucky enough though I can't complain when it comes to my tinder experiences; we've only ever encountered one tragic experience and for 12 months on the app, I'd say that's a success.

I mean this post wasn't intended for me to just tell you about my tinder life, I guess I just I've gotten to a point that I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong? How transparent do we need to be to potential significant others, how much information should I share on my online profile and why am I now worried that everyone guy I'm interested in has something to hide?

The truth is I've always been cautious and really particular with who I share my feelings with...and typically I still pick the wrong ones. I'm quite reserved when it comes to my dating and sex life, I need to know it's someone I can trust and be happy with...which I guess is why I'm so tragically single this year. When I'm down in the dumps and feeling a little disheartened about the lack of dates I'm going on, or I'm sad because I've surrounded myself with couples, I'm reminded how actually I'm getting more offers than I realise and I'm just so damn picky I'm turning everyone away. 

Since I was a teenager I've been a hopeless romantic; I've always been in love with the idea of falling in love the way they do in the movies, falling for your best friend, a summer romance or just one of those really intense and powerful relationships. Whilst the harsh reality is that these are so far from the truth, I can't help but believe that one day I'll find my 'Prince Charming' in those same ways. Sadly being so hung up on these ideals that have been written and created by a whole team is potentially the reason why I'm finding being single and dating so difficult, I've gotten myself worked up in ways I probably didn't need to be, I hate dating because they make it look so easy when it fact I should probably just focus on being the happy independent woman I felt I was when I wrote my BEING SINGLE DOESN'T MEAN I'M LONELY and do what comes naturally, if a date appears it does and if it doesn't just continue with my self care. 

Well this just turn into some hella-long ramblings about my life and I'm pretty sure I don't have a solid outcome from today's post. To round things up; I'm a hopeless romantic, with very high standards and haven't been on a date for a while and I think my conclusion to all this is to continue going at my own pace and enjoy whatever does or doesn't come my way. 

Are you currently dating? Do you hate all this as much as I do? 

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