2.9.19

FEELIN' THE BURN OUT.

We can probably all agree we use 'burn-out' so easily, so much so that I didn't believe it was something I could ever *really* experience. It wasn't until I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror after what should've been an 'easy' shift that I really recognised it. 
Now this isn't my first rodeo with thee feelings - ask anyone who I've worked with and they'll agree. I've been through bouts of this before, typically a hell of a lot easier to handle and after a few 'tough' weeks, it usually subsides but I've spent months unhappy at work, always feeling exhausted and constantly drained and just hoping it would eventually pass. I'd spent majority of my time thinking some time off would help but over time simple things like a week off and even the 11 days I had off  when me and J went on holiday, still didn't seem like enough and went I returned from that holiday all my feelings would return too. My current work place is somewhere I've worked for over four years and only my second job since leaving university, over time it was somewhere that was comfortable and easy but ultimately somewhere that has made me miserable. 
I won't deny the friendships I've formed here - heck I've made some of the best friendships there. Friendships that have got me through some of my worst moments and luckily it's where I met J! I became this strong independent lady who's confidence shot through the roof in summer '17 and I'll forever be grateful that I've found all these things and these people here but unfortunately that same place has since become somewhere I fear quiet regularly nowadays. 



SURELY IT'S NOT THAT BAD? 

I mean yeah, other have it worse, much worse and I feel guilty over that everyday, however my experiences lately have left me feeling really fuckin' low. Not only am I feeling the burn-out but also the exhaustion has caused me to be quiet mentally distant - inside and outside of work and my anxiety levels have increased and recently after a visit to the doctors, I've been diagnosed with depression. 

Personally I think this has all been a long time coming, a mixture of other triggers just unlucky for me the work place is where it's all come to light. 

Working within retail and hospitality, there's so much human interaction, high demand of always being on top of your game and over time I've become worn out over this. It got to a point where I felt like the only things I was doing on a regular basic was sleeping and working. I had zero time and energy for anything else, let alone trying to keep hold of my social life and take my word for it, that feeling sucks. I can't find a routine to give myself more 'time off' and on my days off I felt I needed to be out the house, working on my blog, applying for new jobs or spending time with the people I loved and I really lost control of the balance. 

I've also lost myself in the process both mentally and physically in the last few months and with this post - I needed a dear diary moment and I guess it's time I started the process to clear my head, so thanks if you've stuck around. I'm hoping it begins to get better soon. 

WHATS THE PLAN NOW? 

After plenty of panic attacks and nights where I'd cry myself to sleep; I decided it was time to head back to the doctors for some advice I went with the process of self-referral and getting myself back to counselling (I'm now on a five month wait list) and during that appointment the doctor also confirmed something I'd been wondering for a while and that was I was struggling with depression and getting some answers and being back on that wait list, I feel as though I'm beginning to really look after myself. 

Actually it's taken a lot more than that, it's included plenty emotional breakdowns, many heart to hearts and the biggest decision I've made in my adult life and I've handed in my notice. 

Yep, you got it. I quit my job and you bet ya, I'm petrified. 

I'm burnt out. I can't focus on the easiest of things anymore, I stress over the smallest of issues and worry I'm making things more difficult for the team I work with and I can't see myself improving if I continue in the job I'm currently in. 

Obviously I'm awaiting my first counselling session which I know will help me and I've now got less than 2 weeks left at work. I'm planning on spending some of that time focusing on myself and maybe finding a self-care routine, I'm praying this gives me more free time to blog and get back into this world that I've loved for 6 years and luckily for me this will free up some time to work on some personal projects. Finally teach myself photography and get myself on a course in Digital marketing to eventually land my dream job and you know what, just working on feeling like me again. 

Woah and with that crazy realisation out the way I'm really excited to see what will come of the next few months. 
Wish me luck x 

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