A REFLECTION ON 2019.

1.1.20 Birmingham, UK

Woah, 2019 has been a year! It's been a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, lots of life lessons and luckily, a whole load of fun. Realistically it's been a little bit of a weird year - whilst other years have had quite bad effects on my mental health, my happiness and any other obvious contributing factors. All that feels like a complete blur for 2019. 

I won't lie this has been a pretty shit year but not the worst...yet I think *somehow* I've managed to handle it better than any previously and now we're coming to the end of the year, I've never been more proud of myself and my mental state for coping with everything. 

A reflection on 2019 - see the stars

I started the year in a really good place, I'd just started a relationship with J and was the happiest I'd been in a really long time, and began to believe in love again which I'd convinced myself would never be possible. I was promoted in the October '18 and in that time had gained a shit tonne of self-confidence and was proud of what I was achieving in the work place, I mean this all goes tits up further in the year...but we'll get to that. 

To be honest, the first couple of months were filled with lots of little travel opportunities - I went to Disneyland Paris with my two best friends, J surprised me with a pre-birthday trip to Chester and my family had booked a week away in Cornwall for my nan's 70th birthday. And going on my first proper holiday with a boy when I went to Portugal with J. Bare in mind I've visited most of these places previously but I was on a complete high from this idea of getting away from Birmingham and travelling a little more and breaking away from the anxiety I'd experienced beforehand. Not only was I saying yes to more travel opportunities but I was generally saying yes to more! I was experiencing more day trips, evenings and just getting out and about a little more. 

In many ways my self-confidence really was at it's peak but in other ways it was quite possibly at it's lowest too. That confidence I'd build in the promotion at work started to deteriorate; I had no self-believe in the work-place, I wasn't sleeping properly and my eating habits started to take an effect, I was going to work and coming home from work in tears and had zero belief in myself.  I'd somehow managed to keep this all hidden from everyone at work, most of my family and friends. You can believe it became quite the shock when I made the decision to quit my job. After heading back to the doctors for help with my mental health, after many weeks of guilt and doubt, loads of debating between me & J, I handed in my notice without another job lined up and left a company I called my second home for 4.5 years. 

A reflection on 2019 - see the stars
A reflection on 2019 - see the stars
Personally leaving that job was the best decision I've made this year and fortunately not too long after handing my notice I started working for the Disney Store (!) Currently I'm only on a 8 hour contract but after what I'd been experiencing throughout the year, this was a well needed break. Whilst still working in a retail job has come with plenty of self doubt and contributed to more bad mental health days than I'd like to admit, I've settled into this job role now, I'm making friends and I *think* the management team have trust in me and my working abilities so I'm trying to take the good with the bad when it comes to retail work. 

Me and J continued the joys of travelling throughout 2019 and spent the weekend in Bristol at the end of the summer and took a quick trip to Paris in November. I've finally managed to find myself back on the top of my game when it comes to blogging and have found so many friendships this year, Josh graduated and got a promotion at work too! I spent many drunken nights with my dance family and knowing even more how special my friendship with this group is, my aunty had a lil bubba in November and granddad passed away within the same week - if that isn't an accurate representation of how our lives are, I don't know what is. 

It's been a wild year, at times so much to process I don't think I've really registered what's happened yet but I can't wait to take on board all these experiences, learn from situations and continue to develop and grow again, so bring it on 2020. 

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