Can I let you in on a little secret? I don't think anyone has their shit together, it's just some people are better are faking it than others and if that's you - I applaud you and please teach me your ways?

A couple weeks ago my friend Gaby over at talk twenties, sent me some of her prints - it inspired me to talk about the life lessons in my 20's and as a girl approaching her late 20's I thought it would be a nice way to impart some wisdom to those in their early 20's and y'know pretending to be your big sister. 

what if i don't have my shit together - sarahlaublogs
what if i don't have my shit together - sarahlaublogs

But, unsurprisingly I was wrong when I thought I could preach about life lessons when in reality, I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

Truth be told, even as I'm creeping towards 30 - I'm still learning so much about life and realistically I'm probably not the big sister you want to turn to...maybe because I'm slowly promoting myself to the  position of family disappointment, whoops. 

If we're being totally honestly I don't really know what the outcome of this post will be; but instead I wanted to openly admit that I'm aware that I don't have my shit together and instead of being embarrassed about it - owning my own misfortunes. 

I've always felt ashamed of how my life has fallen into place; from the breakdown of a long term relationship (I'm still w/ J, don't worry), moving back home at 24 and quitting my job at 26 - my life hasn't exactly fallen into place like we all imagine it would when we're daydreaming as teenagers and whilst all the things mentioned above were done to save my mental health, I can't help but always feel ashamed of myself because of them. 

No matter how many times I tell myself that everything in life happens for a reason; I often find myself wondering what I've done for my life to look the way it does now, and how the hell I can fix it? 

what if i don't have my shit together - sarahlaublogs
what if i don't have my shit together - sarahlaublogs

At the beginning of this year I was determined to make this the *year* I turned my life around and whilst I'm not beating myself up over the fact the pandemic made this a million times harder for me, it's definitely not made it an easier ride. 

I've been fairly lucky to make the most of my time during lockdown and used it to my advantage - blogging and instagram became a comfortable outlet for me creatively and inspired me to turn my side hustle into some form of training towards my dream career. 

Don't worry, this hasn't gone as smoothly as I'd hoped. I'm constantly filled with self-doubt and consider throwing in the towel regularly.

Let's be honest, none of this post makes sense does it? Neither does my life, so we're onto a good track... Okay, so I don't want to come across as a melodramatic and honestly, I have a lot to be thankful for but damn, I don't half feel lost with my life. 

I'm okay finding myself setting myself a million and one plans before drifting off to sleep and waking up the next morning unsure where to begin. There's some small life goals which I think are more achievable but then once I get the ball rolling with these; remind myself that I'm currently not earning the big bucks. 

So don't even get me started on how I'm coping with getting myself my dream job, I'm slowly finding all the materials I need to train myself in the crazy world that we call *digital marketing* but if we're putting all the cards on the table - I'm often overwhelming myself with it all. 

what if i don't have my shit together - sarahlaublogs

I don't have my shit together but I promise I'm trying to do everything in my power to become the woman my 15 year old self would be proud of... now if only I could figure out which step to take first, it might eventually all work out.

Coincidentally, thanks to Gaby from talk twenties I've found girls in marketing which has been helping me massively this month just to touch base with my plans for the future, at the moment reading through and taking notes from instagram uploads, articles written on the website and even getting myself signed up to some free online courses - now, if only payday could hurry up and I'll be able to purchase the Journey to Successful Freelance Marketing. 

Truth be told I need to stop seeing my worth based on my successes, job title or even what I've accomplished in life and remind myself on what I've managed to achieve even during my lowest mental health dips.. 

So maybe that's my challenge for the rest of 2020. Take each online course at a time, slowly working my way through any additional training and continue to work towards my dreams but also teach myself not to be too hard on myself. Remind myself of the struggles of faced, remind myself that I'm literally starting this from the very bottom and with very little hands on help, keep going Sarah, we'll get their eventually!  

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